


on the edge of forever

by basha



Category: The Goldfinch (2019), The Goldfinch - Donna Tartt
Genre: Alternate Universe - Star Trek Fusion, F/F, M/M, Miscommunication, Stupidity, T'hy'la, Tarsus IV, Trauma, Vulcan Mind Melds, Vulcans and Chocolate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-06
Updated: 2020-10-06
Packaged: 2021-03-08 09:27:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26849656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/basha/pseuds/basha
Summary: Theo Decker meets Boris on Tarsus IV. Years later, they reunite on a Starfleet ship. If only things were as simple as they sound.Featuring: Pippa getting the best friend and girlfriend she deserves, gross liberties with Vulcan culture, lots of use of the word "t'hy'la," and, of course, Theo being an idiot.
Relationships: Kotku/Pippa (The Goldfinch), Theodore Decker & Boris Pavlikovsky & Pippa & Kotku, Theodore Decker & Pippa, Theodore Decker/Boris Pavlikovsky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	on the edge of forever

**Author's Note:**

> The idea of Theo and Boris meeting on Tarsus IV consumed my soul and everything else is just the natural fallout of the before and after. I'm not even sure if this is in character or makes sense, but I need to get this out of my drafts folder and out into the world. 
> 
> Title taken from the title of the Star Trek Original Series episode "City on the Edge of Forever." 
> 
> Vulcan to English translations in the end notes!

Theo Decker grows up in perpetual limbo between Earth and the vast expanse of space. 

His parents raise him on Yorktown Base, the Federation’s largest space station, a moon-sized matrix of interlocking rings inhabited by millions. His father works as a merchant, his mother works as the secretary for one of Starfleet’s admirals. 

Theo’s father is a drunk and a bastard, but his mother is his hero. It’s her who nurtures him, and thus it’s her he takes after. He models himself on her resilience, her tenacity. She grew up in Kansas, and she made it to the city in the stars. 

His mom misses the Earth, her home, sometimes. She doesn’t tell him, but Theo’s finely attuned to his mother’s feelings, and he knows. He feels it too, a phantom ache for a home-planet he’s never seen, never sure if the pain is his own or a mirror of hers. 

His father leaves, and his mother misses the Earth more and more, and Theo tries everything he can to make her feel better. 

At 13, Theo proposes visiting a museum of Earth art. 

His mother is immediately suspicious. Yorktown Base is a paradise for boys like him: there are a million things to do that don’t involve staring at paintings from another century. Theo tells his mom he wants to get to know his own culture. 

“Okay, puppy,” she shrugs, giving in. “Why don’t you invite Pippa?” Theo turns as red as his best friend’s hair. 

“I bet she won’t even want to come,” he says, ignoring her smirk. 

“Of course I’d love to come!” Pippa says. She’s an Orion, the only Orion he knows: a green-skinned, red-haired cutie-pie, according to his mom. She’s his best friend, and his first crush. His mother adores her, and Pippa adores her right back. 

So Theo’s standing next to his mother and holding Pippa’s hand when the explosions start. 

Later, Federation officers try to explain to him the reason behind the attack, the intergalactic politics involved. Theo doesn’t care, and the information doesn’t stick. 

What does stick is this: his mother is dead. And if it weren’t for the Starfleet officers that came just on time, he and Pippa would be gone too. 

Theo spends a week in a Starfleet hospital, recovering. When they let him out, they release him into the care of a family called the Barbours, distant Earth relatives of his mother. 

Pippa has to stay in the hospital for nearly two months. When they let her out, her aunt comes to take her back to Orion. 

“You can’t go,” Theo says, choking back tears. You can’t leave me alone, he wants to say. Pippa is already crying a wave of hot, angry tears. 

“Trust me,” she says, “I wish I could stay.”

Without her, Theo feels lost. He watches the days stack up as if they’re happening to someone else. His sleep is restless and plagued with nightmares. 

Out of the blue, his father shows up. He makes no apologies for the years of Theo’s life he’s been entirely absent. Instead, he talks endlessly about the new colony where he’s moving himself and Theo: a place called Tarsus IV.

Tarsus IV is a small, dusty shithole of a planet. 

But at least Theo has Boris. 

They meet at school. Boris is the strange looking boy in the back of the class, with dark hair and dark clothes and dark eyes, something not quite human. Boris has been on Tarsus IV longer than Theo, but not for long. According to him, he’s lived everywhere, following his dad from construction job to construction job. But originally, he says, he’s from Vulcan. 

“Fuck you,” Theo says. “There’s no way you’re Vulcan. Aren’t Vulcans supposed to be, like...smart?” Boris jabs Theo’s side with his finger. 

“I am half-Vulcan,” he explains. “Probably the worst Vulcan in the galaxy, thanks to my human fuck of a father, but still Vulcan.”

“Can you read my mind?” Theo asks, trying to remember what he can about Vulcans. Boris blinks at him, an expression Theo can’t read flitting across his face. 

“No.”

“Fine,” Theo says, happy to change the subject. Then, tentatively: “You want to come over to mine? We have food.” Boris grins. 

“Do you have booze?”

For a few months, Tarsus IV is not so bad. 

Sure, the colony is running out of food, but help (they are told) is coming soon. Their fathers pick up more hours at work, vying for an increase in their rations. 

Theo and Boris go to school when they want and stay home when they don’t, allowed to do what they want as long as they stay out of their fathers’ ways. They get drunk and get high and adopt a dog. They scrounge for food together, stealing when they have to. They take pilgrimages out into the desert or lie in the empty basin that should be a pool behind Theo’s house, drugged out of their minds. They sleep, curled together in Theo’s bed--to conserve body heat, Boris says--just two boys of skin and bone. 

“Shh,” Boris whispers, when Theo startles awake from a nightmare or hunger pangs. “Is okay, t’hy’la, is just me.” 

“What does t’hy’la mean?” Theo asks in the day, butchering the pronunciation. 

“You don’t want to know,” Boris tells him. Theo rolls his eyes. Only Boris would insult him while trying to calm him down. 

“Whatever, t’hy’la,” he shoots back. 

Then the massacre happens. 

Boris tells Theo he knew it was coming, that he could tell things were more desperate than the colonists were told. Both of their fathers are dead, ruled non-essential by the Governor. They are not dead yet, but they will be if they are caught. 

“Starfleet will come for us,” Theo says, the first night, so sure. Boris snorts. 

“You and your precious Starfleet,” Boris says. “Is just us, t’hy’la. We are all we have.” 

They stay on the move, returning to the city only at sundown to find food. At night, they sleep in the desert, tucked into a single sleeping bag. Boris tries to find them some sort of shelter, a cave or some trees to make into a cover, but Theo prefers it when they sleep out under the stars. 

Two weeks after the massacre, Boris mind-melds with him for the first time. It’s another night of nightmares, but this time, when he wakes, the terror doesn’t go away. Instead, it stays in his system like poison, making his breaths come shallow and his heart pound. Boris, clearly panicked, fits his fingers to Theo’s temple and closes his eyes. 

“My mind to your mind,” Boris mumbles. 

“What are you--oh,” Theo says, feeling the mental link form. A hypnotic wave of relaxation washes over him. It’s the most intimate thing he’s ever experienced, and he can’t imagine what it’s like in Boris' much more finely psychically tuned mind. “Why don’t we do this all the time?” Theo complains as Boris sends waves of reassurance through their mental link. Boris removes his fingers. 

“You really know nothing about Vulcans, huh, t’hy’la?” 

It becomes clear, after a while, that if they’re not rescued soon, they will die. 

“You should eat me,” Boris says, very seriously one night as they lie in their sleeping bag. His hand traces Theo’s protruding ribs. “Me, I have already lived longer than I thought I would. But you, ashayam, you have a dream to live for.” 

“What dream?” Theo asks, ignoring both Boris’ suggestion of cannibalism and the new Vulcan word (undoubtedly an insult) he’s being called. 

“Starfleet!” Boris shouts, too loudly. “You are going to join Starfleet and be like your mother.” 

“I never told you about that,” Theo says, and if he was capable of being embarrassed in front of Boris anymore he would flush. Boris shrugs. 

“You did not have to,” he says. “Remember, Theo, I have been inside your mind.” Theo huffs a laugh against Boris’ shoulder. They’ve been melding more and more, but he’s pretty sure Boris can’t actually read his mind when they’re melded. 

“Bullshit.” Boris shrugs, bony shoulder poking Theo’s cheek. Theo bites his shoulder in retaliation. 

“You told me when you were drunk,” Boris admits. 

“God,” Theo groans. “I miss being drunk.” Boris laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound in the universe. 

“Me too,” Boris admits.

“When we get off this rock, we’ll get shitfaced,” Theo fantasises out loud. “On the finest booze in the universe.” Boris frowns, but he doesn’t argue. 

“Sure, t’hy’la,” he says.

Boris succumbs to sleep after a while, but Theo doesn’t. Instead, he nestles close to Boris and thinks about death. There was a long time after his mother died when he wished to be dead. It’s Boris he’s been living for in the past year. If Boris dies, he’s going with him. 

When Starfleet comes, Boris clings to Theo like a child and cries for the first time that Theo’s seen. For once, Theo feels like the strong one, dragging Boris behind them as they run towards the ship, everything they own clutched in his or Boris’ free hand. The docking ground is crowded with the surviving colonists, unfairly well fed guards, and Starfleet officers in all three of the primary colors. 

“Shit,” Theo hears one red shirt say to another. “These kids are fucking filthy.” 

Theo identifies the highest ranking officer and introduces himself and Boris. 

“We need to go to medbay,” he tells the officer. 

“You certainly do,” the officer says, a look of concern on her face. “Don’t worry kids. You’re safe now.” Boris follows mutely behind Theo when they get to the medbay, but he starts to pitch a fit when a nurse tries to separate them to do an examination. 

“I won’t go,” he growls, long fingernails digging into Theo’s arm. “I won’t, I won’t--Theo don’t let them--” 

The nurse stabs him in the neck with a hypo. Boris screams, and then faints right into the nurses’ arms. Theo’s been the one holding Boris up, but without the (worryingly light) weight of the other boy in his arms, he falls, and the darkness rushes up to meet him. 

Being onboard a spaceship again is everything, but also nothing, because Boris is clearly having a terrible time. Theo doesn’t understand it. They’re clean and well fed and actually cared about for the first time in a year, and yet Boris is miserable. He doesn’t seem to trust the officers or even the doctors, he hoards food, and he refuses to shower until Theo threatens him with bodily harm. 

“I miss the ground,” Boris whines, lying in Theo’s bio-bed. Theo curls closer to him and can’t find that he disagrees. The beds are too soft. 

“They said we should be cleared to leave soon,” he reminds Boris. “You’ll like Yorktown--there’s not really a ‘ground,’ but the gravitational slipknot makes it feel--” 

“Yorktown?” Boris’ brow furrows. “Ashayam, when am I going to go to Yorktown?”

“The ship’s docking there in a week,” Theo reminds him. “I’m sure the Barbours will let you stay for a bit, and then we’ll apply to the branch of the Academy there. I’ll get in cause of my mom, and they’re always happy to get Vulcans, even delinquents like you, and--” 

“T’hy’la, no,” Boris says, quiet but firm. “I cannot go to Yorktown, or the Academy. I have to go home to Vulcan.”

“Vulcan?” Theo asks. “But you’re”--so human, he wants to say, then thinks better of it--“you’re all I have left.” Boris looks at him with dark, unreadable eyes. 

“It’s your precious Starfleet’s fault,” he says. “They require you to have a guardian until you are of age for your people. I am not of age. I must go home.”

“But who’s gonna be your guardian?” Theo asks, still reeling. 

“The family of my betrothed,” Boris says, like it’s no big deal. “Her name is Kotku. They are good people. Very Vulcan, but good.” Theo feels like he’s been dropped out of an airlock, doomed to plummet through space until he dies a cold, horrible death. He and Boris have never defined what they are to each other, haven’t so much as kissed in the light of day, but Theo at least thought they were special to each other. Exclusive. 

“Your betrothed?” He asks. Boris nods, still acting like this is something Theo should know about. 

“Since we were very little,” he says. “She is to be my mate, unless--” Theo knocks away Boris’ arm and climbs out of the bed. 

“Shut the fuck up,” he says, harshness of his voice surprising even himself. 

“Why are you upset?” Boris asks. “You could come with me. We could make quite a life for ourselves on Vulcan.” Theo wonders if he’s including this Kotku person in his vision of the future. Yeah, fucking right. 

That can’t be his destiny. Starfleet is his destiny. It’s always been his destiny. He thought Boris would be right there by his side, but he’ll go on with him or without him. 

“What about Starfleet?” he asks, voice tiny. 

“Starfleet?” Boris shakes his head. “T’hy’la, don’t be silly.” With those four words, Theo feels a wall come down between them. He longs to do something to make it go away-- to meld their minds, to return to the unforgiving sands of a planet that was trying to kill them--anything if it meant his and Boris’ life paths didn’t need to diverge here, at this moment in space and time. 

“I’m gonna sleep in my own bed tonight,” he says. “We need to start getting used to sleeping alone.” Unless Boris sleeps with Kotku on Vulcan, his mind unhelpfully supplies. 

“This is your bed,” Boris points out. 

“Whatever,” Theo snaps, scurrying across the medbay until he finds the bed that’s supposed to be Boris’. Boris hasn’t slept in it much, so it doesn’t smell like him or Theo, just the standard laundry detergent that they use on all Starfleet ships. It smells like when his mom used to make his bed, and he pulls the blanket up over his head to breathe it in. He settles in for a long, lonely night on the way to his destiny. 

Theo is the one getting off the ship, but to him, at least, it feels like Boris is the one leaving. He loads his one measly bag of possessions--his Starfleet provided change of clothes, his new toothbrush, the tattered remains of their sleeping bag that Boris doesn’t want and he can’t bring himself to throw out--into the cargo hold of the shuttle to Yorktown. 

“Departing in...one minute…” the automated voice on the shuttle says. A few Starfleet officers and yeomen push past them into the shuttle, heading down to Yorktown for a few days for shore leave or for work. And then it’s just Theo and Boris on the platform, staring at each other. 

“You could still come with me,” Theo blurts. “Yorktown’s a big place. We’ll steal a shuttle, escape to some corner of the galaxy where they don’t give a shit if you’re of age or not, we could--” 

“T’hy’la,” Boris interrupts firmly. Before Theo can reply, Boris’ hands are on his face and he is kissing Theo on the mouth. Just as quickly as it happened, Boris pulls away and takes a step back. “Go.” Theo obeys wordlessly, stepping back into the shuttle and finding his seat. 

It isn’t until the doors have closed that he realizes he should have said  _ I love you _ . 

The Barbours welcome him back, and help him apply to the Academy. It helps that their son Andy’s applying too. Unsurprisingly, with Andy’s intellect and Theo’s tragic backstory, they both get in. He and Andy sign up to be roommates in the dorms, which suits Theo better than he anticipated. Andy is about as far from Boris as possible, and waking up from nightmares to his snores rather than Boris’ gentle reassurance helps convince Theo that he’s back on track, back where he should be. 

He doesn’t reach out to Boris, and Boris doesn’t reach out to him, and Tarsus IV feels more and more like a distant memory with every passing day. 

The other thing that helps prove to Theo that he’s following his destiny is that Pippa comes back into his life. 

She finds him on their second day and leaps into his arms in the courtyard. Heads turn, though Theo’s sure it has much more to do with Pippa than himself; he gets lost in the sea of humans in their red cadet uniforms, but even dressed just like everyone else, Pippa stands out. The markings on her uniform tell Theo that she’s a first year, just like him. 

“I can’t believe this,” Pippa says. “When we lost touch, I thought I’d never see you again. It’s a big universe, you know? And yet: here we both are. It’s crazy, huh?”

“Crazy,” Theo agrees, thinking  _ destiny _ . 

Pippa changes his life once again when she introduces him to Hobie, a family friend and an Engineering professor at the Academy. Hobie invites him over to dinner a few times, and in the second semester, Theo decides to try out his class.

Theo always figured he’d try for the command track, but Hobie teaches him the beauty of Engineering: the way each piece of the ship’s machinery works together to keep the vessel moving and working as it should. Hobie teaches him the importance of each tiny piece, the love and care that has to go into any and all repairs. 

He declares himself as an Engineering major before the end of the year. 

“Good call,” Pippa says approvingly. “You look good in red.” 

For a while, Theo really does manage to convince himself that he’s in love with Pippa. 

She’s smart. She’s beautiful. She’s been through terrible shit and came out stronger, kinder, braver. They’ve been through the same hell, and they’re heading for the same future. She’s the only person he has left, really. 

“I love you, Theo,” she tells him. They’re on Hobie’s roof, sharing a cigarette and talking in the painfully awkward way only they can. “But I’m not in love with you. And I don’t think you’re really in love with me either.”

“Yes I am,” Theo argues, sounding petulant, childish. “What do you mean?”

“There’s someone else, Theo, isn’t there? The boy you talk about in your sleep?” And the problem is, she’s right. Theo starts to cry. “Oh, Theo, don’t cry.” Pippa pleads. She slips her hand into his, and it’s like he’s back there, on that day; he’s holding Pippa’s hand, and the world is ending. 

He cries and he cries, and when he’s done, the world is still there. Pippa is still there. He’s still there. 

“Sorry,” he says. “I’m...I’m such a fucking mess.” 

Pippa squeezes his hand. 

“I know,” she says. “But I love you anyway.” 

As it turns out, it’s actually so much better to be Pippa’s best friend than it is to pretend to be in love with her. 

Pippa understands him in a way no one else can, and he’s pretty sure he plays the same role in her life. They talk together about the explosion, the years they spent apart, the nightmares and flashbacks they still suffer from. They push each other to go to regular therapy sessions. She keeps an eye on him to make sure he’s not abusing drugs, and he reminds her in the morning to take the pills her doctor prescribed. 

They have fun together too: they get smashed and do karaoke on the weekends, they take turns cooking during the week. They play elaborate pranks on Andy and make just as elaborate apologies. They check in on Hobie and help him in his shop when they have free time. They volunteer regularly at an animal shelter.

In a universe that Theo has learned is cruel and ever-changing, Pippa remains his constant. 

“You’re like a brother to me,” she tells him one night, and while a year before those words would have cut him to the core, they just warm his heart. 

He starts introducing Pippa to people as his sister, and it never fails to make her smile. 

Pippa thrives at the Academy, and Theo squeaks by, and eventually they graduate. 

They’re assigned to the same starship, the Goldfinch. 

Neither of them has much family left, but Hobie is there to wave them off as they boldly go where no man has gone before. 

Every morning, Theo puts on his red shirt and eats lunch in the mess hall with Pippa in her command gold. In the evening, they head off to the rec hall to watch the stars. At night, Theo sleeps in his very own quarters, and he almost never has nightmares at all. 

And that might have been the end of Theo’s story, but destiny isn’t done with him quite yet.

“We’re getting some new crewmembers,” Kitsey Barbour, who has recently joined the ship’s med crew, reports at dinner in the mess-hall with him and Pippa. 

“So?” Pippa asks. “We get new crew members all the time.” 

“These are special crew members,” Kitsey says, leaning forward as if imparting a secret. “They’re from the Vulcan Academy.” 

Theo chokes on his replicated grilled cheese sandwich.

He tells himself not to get his hopes up, that the chances of one of their new crew members actually being Boris is slim to none, but when one of them actually does turn out to be Boris, he’s not sure what to do about the crush of emotions that suddenly overwhelms him. 

“Oh fuck,” Pippa mumbles, watching him watch Boris walk into the mess hall for the first time. “The new Vulcan is your Vulcan?” 

“I-I guess so,” Theo stutters. 

“Your Vulcan?” Kitty interjects. Theo shakes his head, unable to look away from Boris. It’s like he’s magnetic. It’s like he’s the sun, and Theo’s the unlucky planet sucked right back into his orbit. There’s a Vulcan woman walking next to him, petite and pretty. 

“Who is she?” Pippa wonders out loud, but Theo doesn’t even bother trying to form an answer, because then Boris is looking right at him. 

“Theo!” Boris roars, running across the mess hall. The crowd gasps, stunned by the show of emotion from a Vulcan. Pippa stifles a giggle into her hand. And Theo tries not to burst into tears. When Boris reaches him, he doesn’t stop for a polite greeting or for pleasantries, he just pulls Theo into the biggest, warmest hug he’s ever received. “You are here!” Boris exclaims. 

“Boris,” Theo answers, dumbly. Boris might be the only word he ever says ever again. “I’ve missed you.” 

“Miss you too!” Boris replies. “I requested to be placed on this ship, you know. For a grand reunion! It has been far too long.”

“It has,” Theo agrees. He would agree to anything Boris said to him right now, but he really means it. “What are you--” 

“Theo,” Kitsey interrupts. “Aren’t you going to introduce us?” 

“Oh,” Theo says, pulling himself out of Boris’ lingering embrace and snapping back into reality. “Right.” He takes a centering breath, like his therapist taught him. “Boris, this is Pippa and Kitsey. Pip, Kit, this is Boris. He’s a...a childhood friend.” 

“I was a childhood friend,” Kitsey points out, “And I don’t remember meeting him.” 

“I’ll explain later,” Theo says, hurriedly. “Boris, what are you doing--” 

“Oh, before I forget! Is my turn. Ladies and gent, I introduce to you: Lady Kotku.” Boris steps aside, and the small, pretty Vulcan lady from earlier appears like a magic trick. 

“Greetings,” she says, formally. “Borya, please control yourself.” Boris smirks, but nods. 

“Right you are, as always, my lady,” he says. “Now come sit. Let’s have dinner with our new friends.” 

Boris sits down right next to Theo, in the spot usually reserved for Pippa, who smoothly rounds the table to introduce herself to Kotku. Theo tries to find something, anything to say to Boris, but before he can, Kitsey starts asking a million questions. So Theo just sits, and waits, just like he’s used to doing.

After dinner, Theo and Pippa invite Boris and Kotku to join them in their ritual of spending some time in the rec hall after dinner. Kitsey takes the hint and flounces off to some of her other friends. 

The rec hall, as always, is deserted; Theo and Pippa always pick the worst one so they can have it to themselves. Pippa takes one look at the way Theo can’t take his eyes off of Boris and invites Kotku to play a game of chess on the other side of the room. 

“That is acceptable,” Kotku says. “Though you must not be disappointed if the game ends quicker than you expect.” Pippa giggles, and Kotku’s eyebrow quirks. 

They cross the room, and Theo is left alone with Boris and the stars.

“Boris,” he says, finally. “What are you doing here?” 

“In the rec hall?” 

“In Starfleet. You always said--”

“I know what I said,” Boris interrupts. “Turns out not to be so true. After all the moving I did as a child, I thought I’d want solid land. A permanent home, a planet of my own. But it never felt right to me. And Kotku always has wanted to see the stars. So I say to myself, and to her: let’s join Starfleet. Then we are home and traveling all at once. Problem solved. We already had very good scores at the Vulcan Academy, and it was not hard to get into Starfleet, really.” 

“I can’t believe you,” Theo says, affection and anger swirling in his chest in equal measure. “T’hy’la.” The word is rusty but familiar on his tongue. 

Boris winces, glancing across the room at Kotku, and even though Theo knows the word is some sort of Vulcan insult, probably a particularly vulgar one he’s embarrassed to say in front of his fancy Vulcan fiance (or maybe she’s his wife now?) he’s hurt anyway. They didn't censor themselves around each other on Tarsus IV. 

“Sorry,” Theo apologizes. “How long are you going to be here for, anyway?” Boris furrows his brow. 

“Forever, I suppose,” he says. For some reason, Theo can’t quite believe him. 

It’s almost eerie how completely the Vulcans slot into Theo’s life. 

The problem, really, is that Pippa and Kotku get on like a house on fire. 

Without them, Theo could avoid Boris without much effort, which is his gut instinct at all times. Being around Boris makes him feel small and vulnerable and wanting, like he’s missing a piece of himself. He finds himself unable to sleep at night, just knowing Boris is breathing the same synthetic air. He can’t even look Boris in the eye. 

Boris, of course, seems immune to the tension between them. He’s friendly, for a Vulcan, just as he’s friendly to everyone. There’s no indication that Theo’s special to him in any way, that their history together means anything at all.

So Theo would avoid him, if Kotku and Pippa didn’t insist on getting in the way. Their friendship is bizarre to him: Kotku treats Pippa like a science experiment, and Pippa treats Kotku like the haughty kitten she never had. They remind Theo of a video compilation he saw once of unlikely animal friends, but it seems to work for them. And because Pippa is his sort-of-sister, and Kotku is Boris’ fiance-or-wife-or-something, the four of them spend a lot of time together. 

It’s already weird enough, and then Kotku has to go and reveal a life changing Vulcan secret. 

“Are you kidding me?” Theo demands, head whipping back and forth between his two Vulcans. They’re in Pippa’s quarters, fresh off of their last shift for the week. “Alcohol doesn’t get Vulcans drunk?” 

“Vulcan biology--” Kotku starts to say, but Theo’s not done. He hits Boris in the shoulder. 

“So all those times we got drunk together, you were--what? Pretending?” 

“No no no,” Boris says, a smile tugging at the edge of his lips. “You always forget, I am half-Vulcan. So it only makes me half-drunk.” Theo flushes, thinking of how hammered he used to get around Boris. As if reading his mind, Boris’ smile widens. “It was a good thing, I think: someone had to be looking out for you.”

“True,” Pippa interjects. 

“There is a substance that has analogous biochemical effects on Vulcans,” Kotku informs them. 

“Kotku--” Boris says, warningly, but now it’s his turn to be ignored. 

“Wait, what gets Vulcans drunk?” Pippa demands. Boris buries his head in his hands as Kotku, face as flat and impassive as always, says:

“Chocolate.” 

An hour or so later, every one of the four of them is intoxicated on booze, chocolate, or a mix of the two. On the floor somewhere, Kotku lies with her head in Pippa’s lap, nearly purring as Pippa pets her gently. 

“You’re too pretty,” Pippa tells Kotku tearfully. “It’s not fair.” 

“The concept of fairness is illogical,” Kotku replies. “And so is your face. It’s too...too symmetrical.” 

Theo would be paying more attention to that whole ordeal, except that he and Boris have somehow ended up in Pippa’s bed, lying on their backs and holding hands. Theo’s glasses have been discarded at some point in the night, and everything is blurry and out of focus. He hasn’t been this drunk since early days on Tarsus IV. And he’s never seen Boris this drunk. Ever. 

“D’you still get nightmares, ashayam?” Boris asks, gripping onto Theo’s hand like it’s the only thing keeping him anchored to the bed. 

“Nope,” Theo replies. “Well, not so much. Not anymore.”

“Good,” Boris replies. “I used to worry every night you were having nightmares and I wasn’t there to help you. I used to have nightmares about your nightmares.” 

The idea rips back the wallpaper from a hollow place in Theo’s heart. He feels cold, like he’s been drenched in ice water. 

“Bullshit,” he says, wrenching his hand away and sitting up, rolling himself up and off the bed, into a standing position. “You didn’t give a shit about my nightmares.” 

“‘S everything okie dokie up there?” Pippa asks from somewhere on the floor, but Theo doesn’t respond because he’s trying not to cry. 

“Course I gave a shit,” Boris says, getting up just as fast and twice as gracefully. “How dare you? I think about you every single day, t’hy’la. Every single day.” 

“T’hy’la?” Kotku asks with more inflection in her voice than Theo has ever heard.

“Poor baby,” Theo says, voice tight, stepping into Boris’ space. “You don’t get to feel sorry for yourself. You left me.” 

“No, you left me,” Boris argues.

“Fuck you,” he shouts. “You left me first!” He shoves Boris in the chest. It’s not a hard push, but Boris falls back onto the bed and wipes at his eye. Somewhere across the room, Pippa starts crying too. 

“Everyone cease talking,” Kotku says, too loudly. She stands up, pulling Pippa up with her. “Borya, pull yourself together.” Boris takes a deep, stuttering breath. Kotku walks over and sits next to Boris, passing Pippa off to Theo as she passes. “Does he know?” Kotku demands, harsh tone in sharp contrast to the gentle touch she places on his shoulder. 

“Know what?” Theo asks, pulling Pippa closer. 

“No,” Boris says, starting to cry. “Don’t. Please.”

“I think we should go back to our rooms now,” Kotku says, voice softer than Theo’s ever heard. 

“Okay,” Boris says. He struggles up to a seated position. Theo yearns to stop him, to grab him, to shake him by the shoulders and make him explain. But Pippa’s still crying, and she has to come first. Kotku starts to escort Boris out of the room, hesitating in the doorway. 

“Take good care of her, Decker.” Irritation and affection swell in his chest all at once. He nods at her. 

“I will. You take care of that idiot.” Kotku doesn’t smile, but Theo senses something like levity in her parting eyebrow movement. 

“Everything’s okay,” he tells Pippa, kissing the crown of her head. Pippa nestles into his side. 

“I don’t like fighting,” Pippa whispers. 

Theo can’t help but to disagree. At least when he and Boris were fighting, he could feel like Boris still cared.  _ I thought about you every day,  _ Boris had said.  _ T’hy’la _ , he’d said, and it hadn’t sounded like an insult at all. 

“Let’s get you to bed,” he says, and Pippa nods. 

Theo wakes up the next morning with a pounding headache and a Vulcan sitting at the foot of his bed. 

The wrong Vulcan. 

“What are you doing here?” He asks groggily, putting on his glasses. Kotku, predictably, looks impeccable. Maybe Vulcans don’t get hangovers, or maybe that’s just Kotku. “And how’d you get into my quarters?”

“How are you? I am of the understanding that humans experience unpleasant effects in the aftermath of your system processing alcohol, is that true?” Kotku asks, ignoring his questions. Her concern is awkward and clumsy, but still touching. 

“Yeah, I feel like shit,” he says, a human idiom he knows she finds disturbing. “I haven’t been that drunk since I was 13.” Kotku nods sagely. “Uh...how about you?” Shockingly, Kotku’s face twists in sudden discomfort. 

“I am physically unaffected, but I fear I have...disquieted Pippa,” she admits. Theo smiles. He’ll never understand Pippa and Kotku’s friendship, but he still finds it sweet. He gets the feeling that’s why she broke into his quarters in the first place. 

“She won’t be upset” he promises, “maybe a little embarrassed, if she remembers anything. She doesn’t like crying in front of people, but I promise her opinion of you haasn’t changed.” Kotku purses her lips, and Theo can see the tug-of-war in her head between her desire to dig more into what Theo knows about Pippa and her desire to never ever talk about feelings.

“Borya is also...embarrassed,” she tells him, a total curveball in his mind. “He spent many years talking of little but yourself, and yet now that you are reunited he is unsure of how to act. He doesn’t...the way he sees you...this is frustrating. You don’t understand much Vulcan, do you?” 

“Are you gonna tell me what t’hy’la means?” Theo pounces. “Boris has never told me, and I assume it’s an insult or something, but it’s what he’s always called me and it just doesn’t seem right--” 

“No, it doesn’t,” Kotku agrees, sounding almost sad. “But it is not my place.”

“Then what do I do?” Theo asks, aware he’s bordering on begging. “He won’t talk to me, Kotku, it doesn’t matter what I do, you know how he is--” 

“Give him time,” she replies. 

“I’ve given him time,” Theo nearly sobs. “I’ve given him years!” 

“Borya pretends to be very open so that you cannot see he is very closed off,” Kotku replies. “It is very hard to get a straight answer from him, most days. But you will, eventually.” She sounds so sure that Theo cannot help but to nod in agreement. He feels sort of guilty, talking to Kotku of all people about Boris, considering the way he...feels about her boyfriend/husband/whatever, but what Kotku doesn’t know won’t hurt her. He’ll take her advice, and one day he and Boris will be friends again, and that will have to be enough for him. 

“Thanks,” he says. Kotku nods, once. 

“No more of this,” she says, decisively. “Get up and get dressed. I will wake Borya, and you can wake Pippa, and we can have breakfast. Nothing needs to change because of the events of last night.” It’s a statement, but Theo thinks he hears the underlying question. 

“Sounds good to me,” he says, and the corner of Kotku’s mouth twitches up.

The four of them do a pretty good job of pretending that the previous nights’ events didn’t occur, and besides a few prying questions from Kitsey, no one else seems to have noticed that anything is off. 

But Theo notices, and so does Boris, which Theo learns when Boris tracks him down on one of the lower engineering decks. He’s alone, as he is most of the day, which he likes. He has earplugs in as he works, and he doesn’t notice Boris until the Vulcan touches his neck with cold, long fingers. He jumps, and he hears Boris laugh. 

“What the fuck?” Theo demands, taking out his earplugs and trying to calm his racing heart. It won’t slow down, probably from some combination of the surprise and the fact that he and Boris are actually, truly alone together for the first time since Tarsus IV. Embarrassingly, he feels himself start to hyperventilate. The amused smirk fades off of Boris’ face and his hands reach to cup Theo’s cheek, before he stops himself, like he’s aware he might have lost touching privileges a few nights before. 

Theo keens at the near miss and finds himself tilting his head forward, like a puppy asking to be pet. Boris fits his fingers over Theo’s meld-points, and, though he doesn’t even start to meld them, Theo feels a wave of soothing sweetness was over him. 

“You’re okay, ashayam,” Boris murmurs. “I’m sorry I startled you.” 

“I’m okay,” Theo agrees, pulling away despite himself. If he says this close to Boris he’s going to do something he’ll regret, so he takes a step back and Boris doesn’t follow him. 

“I upset you the other day,” Boris says. “I wanted...I am sorry. I do not want to upset you, t’hy’la. Never.” Theo swallows down a rush of emotions. 

“I’m sorry I snapped,” he says. “I just...you know when you want something so much that you’re afraid of getting it?” Boris nods. “All I’ve wanted, for so long, was to know you still...you still care about me. And then I see you again and you act like this is some middle school reunion or whatever, no big deal, and it hurts but I can live with it. But knowing...knowing I ever mattered to you as much as you matter to me? It’s important to me, Boris, and I can’t let myself believe it because you could take it right back.” 

“But I won’t,” Boris replies, voice thick. “T’hy’la, ashayam, Theo.” He steps forward again, fits his fingers to Theo’s temple. “You have a life here. I didn’t want to...to come on too strong. Vulcans, our feelings, they are so big. I was worried you wouldn’t...wouldn’t want to live with the weight of them.” 

“I want,” Theo says. “I want, Boris--” Their foreheads knock together, and Theo does something he’s never tried before, mirroring Boris’ touch. “Meld with me,” he whispers, and Boris does, waves of affection flowing through both of their minds. Boris pulls back first, with tears in his eyes. Theo wants to kiss him, but he knows better than that. He pulls back, thumping Boris on the back in the most bro-y way possible. “I have to get back to work,” he mumbles. “Let’s grab a beer and go bowling or something tonight.” 

“Okay, khaf t' t'nash-veh khaf-spol,” Boris says happily, more inscrutable Vulcan that Theo ignores, turning back to his work. He waits until Boris is gone to smile the way he wants to, pressing his fingers lightly to his own temple. 

He has his best friend back. 

Pippa picks up on the change in Boris and Theo’s relationship right away, teases him that she’s glad his teenage angst period is finally over. Theo doesn’t care. 

For the first time since his mother died, he thinks he has a real, genuine chance to be truly happy. He has Boris, his best friend. He has Pippa, his sister. And there’s others, too, Kitsey and Kotku and half a dozen crewmembers they hang out with. He loves Starfleet, and his job in Engineering. He’s following his destiny. 

The only time the feeling fades is in the middle of the night, waking up sometimes from nightmares but sometimes for no reason at all. He keeps finding himself reaching out, as if expecting another body beside him. But there is no one. 

The only person he’d want in his bed, anyway, sleeps with someone else.

Except that someone else is kissing his sister in her bedroom. 

“What the fuck!?” Theo shouts, covering his eyes. He and Pippa share a bathroom, and he was only popping into her room to ask if she’d seen the hoodie he’d stolen from Boris. Apparently the answer was yes, because Pippa is wearing it, the sleeves covering her hands as her arms are wrapped around Kotku’s neck. It’s an overwhelming array of color: Pippa’s red hair, her green skin, yellow uniform, and red hoodie; clashing in a strangely beautiful way with Kotku’s black hair, pale skin, and blue uniform. One of Kotku’s hands rests on Pippa’s waist, the other reaches up to entangle with one of Pippa’s. It would be kind of hot, if Pippa wasn’t his quasi-sister and Kotku wasn’t the maybe-wife of Theo’s best friend. 

Pippa pulls back, blushing, though Kotku seems absolutely unphased. 

“Get out,” Kotku says, flatly. “We are busy.” 

“Kotku!” Pippa reprimands, but she’s smiling, ducking her head and rolling forward onto the balls of her feet, tiling closer to the Vulcan. “Theo, I promise I was going to tell you, but--” 

“I’m going to have to tell Boris,” Theo says, blood pounding in his ears, expecting...something. Instead, all he got was a confused pout from Pippa and an eyebrow raise from Kotku. 

“Okay,” Kotku says. “Good bye.” 

“Ku!” Pippa says, again, kissing Kotku’s cheek. “Chillax.” Kotku’s brown furrows at the unfamiliar portmanteau, which Theo would find amusing if he wasn’t so unnerved. Their nonchalance simply doesn’t compute. 

“I can’t believe you, Pip,” he huffs, and Pippa pulls further away from Kotku, a look of concern on her face. 

“T, I don’t understand. Why are you so upset?” Theo points wildly at Kotku. 

“Did you not tell her?” Without giving her a chance to answer, he turns back to Pippa. “Pips, Boris and Kotku are bondmates. They’ve been betrothed since they were kids, okay, they’re, like, Vulcan-married.” 

“What?” Pippa asks, nose crinkling. She looks confused, but not concerned. 

“First of all,” Kotku says, drawing herself up to her full height, “Vulcans do get married, you ron-tu, it’s not ‘Vulcan-marriage,’ it is just marriage. And second of all, Borya and I are no such thing. We were betrothed, once, but we broke our engagement many years ago. Which I thought you must know, but apparently not, because human blood is poisonous to the brain and turns you all to fools!” Kotku’s pretty damn mad for a Vulcan, and Theo’s so stunned he doesn’t even register the insult.

“You thought they were married?” Pippa asks, a soft smile on her lips. “Oh, sweetheart, that explains a lot.” Theo’s not sure if she’s talking to him or to Kotku. He wants to ask, but…

“Now will you leave?” Kotku demands. 

“Leaving,” he says, all the fight taken out of him, holding up his hands in surrender. He ducks out, then has to duck back in. “Kotku, if you hurt her, I’ll hurt you,” he says. Kotku laughs out loud and fits her mouth back to Pippa’s, and Theo flees back to his quarters, where there are no Vulcans and therefore, at least for a moment, peace of mind. 

At dinner that night Pippa and Kotku officially announce that they’re dating, and Theo huffs as no one reacts in surprise. 

“A toast!” Boris proposes. “To two truly excellent women getting it on!” 

“Boris!” Kitsey giggles, lifting her own glass. “To Pippa and Kotku.” Theo clinks his glass, numbly, against everyone else’s. 

“You okay, ashayam?” Boris asks quietly in the rec hall that night. Pippa and Kotku are playing chess with a lot more hand contact than is strictly necessary, which for some reason is making Boris uncomfortable. He and Theo are playing foosball on the other side of the room, and Theo is losing by a much wider margin than normal. 

“I’m fine,” Theo says. “Still a little stunned about P and K.” Boris laughs. 

“Really? I saw from a mile away.” 

That night, Theo and Pippa part from the Vulcans and head right for Theo’s room, and the good wine he has stashed under his bed. They drink right from the bottle, taking turns, sitting on the floor facing each other. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Theo asks, which is his biggest concern about the whole thing except for the part about how Boris isn’t married and is, thus, theoretically, available. 

“Theo,” Pippa sighs, “you can be sort of hard to talk about feelings with, you know. I love you, dude, but you can be...kind of oblivious.” 

“Oblivious!” Theo protests. “You can’t sneak around and then call me oblivious.”

“We weren’t really sneaking around,” Pippa says. “We were holding hands all the time.” 

“So?” Theo demands. “Girls are always, like, holding hands and stuff.”

“You don’t know much about Vulcans, do you?” Pippa asks. Theo tilts back until he’s on the ground, staring up at his ceiling. 

“Why does everyone keep saying that?” he gripes. Pippa crawls over next to him and lies down with her head on his shoulder. She lays one hand comfortingly over his. 

“Only because it’s true, bud,” she replies sympathetically. 

As a kid, on Yorktown Base, Theo used to have this fear that the gravitational slipknot would falter somehow, the whole planet would tip off balance, and it might never realign properly ever again. 

Once the realization that Boris isn’t married or engaged sinks in, Theo sort of feels like the gravitational slipknot of his life has changed. And, worse, he doesn’t know what to do to realign it. 

“You could tell him how you feel,” the rational voice in his head--which sometimes sounds like Andy Barbour and sometimes sounds like his mother--intones. 

“Yeah, well what if he doesn’t feel the same way?” Another, much louder voice--a monstrous mixture of his voice and his father’s and even Boris, a little bit--echoes in his ears. 

Because Boris...he’s inscrutable. He acts like he’s in love with everyone, so how’s Theo supposed to know if he’s actually important? And besides, what if he confesses and it ruins everything and he loses Boris again? (It wouldn’t be the worst thing ever to happen to him in his trauma filled life, but would probably make the top 10. Plus, it would definitely complicate things for Pippa.)

Theo’s so distracted by his thoughts that he almost botches the most routine of warp core maintenance, threatening the lives of everyone on the ship. No one notices, but not murdering pretty much everyone he knows and loves is a priority for him, so he makes an executive decision. 

He’s happy with the way things are now, and so is everyone else. Pippa is happy. Boris and Kotku and Kitsey are happy. No one is upset with anyone and everything is as it should be, and Theo knows better than anyone how little it takes to tip the scales of destiny and throw everything off balance. 

So he’ll lay awake at night and pine, and drink replicated coffee all day; and he’ll be Boris’ best friend, and it’ll all be okay. 

And it is, for a little while. Then, following the strange pattern Theo’s life has fallen into since the Vulcans joined the crew, Theo’s life is totally upended by the innocent actions of the ship’s beloved lesbians, Kotku and Pippa. 

It’s so off-hand, really, something that Theo easily could have missed. Should have missed, probably, given that he only heard it because he was eavesdropping on Pippa when he should have been listening to Kitsey talk about her latest boyfriend. But, honestly, Tom Cable, whoever he is, seems like a dick, and it’s really Boris he’s trying to listen in on, so he can hardly be faulted. 

It goes like this: at the end of the table, Pippa and Boris are arguing with Kotku about the word “y’all.” Kotku finds it abhorrent, Pippa and Boris find it hilarious, and Theo knows from experience that there’s nothing in the world more fun than riling up a usually cool Vulcan until they boil over. 

“Come on, love,” Pippa is cooing. “Just say it once.” 

“Ashayam, darling, light of my life,” Kotku replies, clearly taking a page out of Boris’ book. “I would rather perish violently.” Boris starts cackling, and Pippa smiles, and it would be a super cute moment if Theo didn’t feel like he was on the edge of some important precipice. 

“What did you call Pippa?” He interjects, turning fully away from his conversation with Kitsey--and making a mental note to apologize for it later--to look at Kotku. 

“Darling?” Kotku suggests, innocently. 

“Before that,” Theo snaps. “The Vulcan word.” He’s asking the question, but Kotku looks right at Boris as she responds. 

“Ashayam,” she replies. “It means beloved.” 

Scenes flash unbidden through Theo’s mind like a movie montage: he and Boris in the desert on Tarsus IV, in the bio bed on the ship that rescued them, in the rec hall, in the lower Engineering deck, in his own room and in Boris’ and in Pippas; and every time, Boris is calling him ashayam. 

“It’s not an insult,” he asks, voice tight. “Or like, a joke?” 

“No,” Boris replies, for Kotku, voice unusually monotone as he continues. “It is one of the most deeply emotional, romantic words in the Vulcan language. Second only to…” And Theo’s dumb, but he’s not that dumb. 

“T’hy’la?” he guesses, conjuring up in his mind the way Boris whispered it the first time he ever said it to Theo, in the dark of his bedroom in his dad’s house on Tarsus IV, back when Boris was all he ever had to fight nightmares. 

“T’hy’la,” Boris confirms. Theo stands up, legs long and wooden and foreign. 

“My room,” he says. “Now.” He hears Kitsey say something behind him but he doesn’t care, all he cares about is Boris, following right behind him, like a shadow, not saying a word on the walk back to Theo’s room. 

Inside, Theo grabs the front of Boris’ shirt and presses him into the wall next to the door, which slides shut behind them. He’s never been a violent man, but he may be about to throw his first punch (or maybe he’ll die, or burst into flames, or...something else, something too precious to name). 

“You never told me,” he whispers, not trusting his voice to come out any stronger. “All these years and I never knew…”

“I didn’t want to scare you,” Boris tells him, voice shaking. “I knew you would freak out.” 

“I’m not freaking out!” Theo shouts, because he is most definitely freaking out. 

“It wouldn’t have been fair,” Boris continues. “We were very young, and you were...fuck, Theo, you were so fucked up. I met you and I just knew...you were mine. My t’hy’la. I knew, for me, it would be forever. It wasn’t fair to force that on you. And then you wanted to go to Starfleet, and who was I to hold you back? Some half-Vulcan nothing. I had to make myself worthy of you, and then I got here and you were so happy and I…”

“I hate you,” Theo says, and there’s a half second when Boris takes the words at face value and his face crumples, but then Theo is busy wiping that look from his face with his lips. By kissing him. And kissing him. And kissing him. And then his hand is in Boris’ hair and Boris’ hand rests over his meld points, and they’re both on the floor, smiling too hard to kiss anymore. “We are so stupid,” Theo growls, gripping Boris to him even more tightly. “I can’t believe we wasted so much time. I’m never letting you out of my sight again.” 

“Shh, t’hy’la, shh,” Boris is muttering, and then they’re melding, and Theo gets it now, why Vulcans consider this so insanely personal and also why he and Boris fall into it so easily and so happily. 

“T’hy’la,” he whispers back, and that’s all either of them say for a long while. 

Three months later, nearing the end of the Vulcan’s first year onboard, the dual wedding plans he and Pippa have been making are becoming less and less of a joke. Boris keeps saying it doesn’t matter what they do or do not put on paper, but Theo’s had enough people ripped away from him that he’s in a hurry to make it official. Sure, they might be t’hy’la or whatever, but that won’t stop Starfleet from separating them the way a marriage certificate will. 

(Also, as Pippa keeps reminding him, it’s romantic.)

“We’re already soulmates,” Theo says, laying it on a bit thick as he and Boris lie in bed. “Come on, ashayam, why not?” Boris smiles. 

“It’s not the wedding I have a problem with, blood of my heart,” Boris replies. “It’s just important to me that Kotku doesn’t look prettier than me on my wedding day.” 

(Pippa and Kotku aren’t t’hy’la, not really, but as far as Theo can tell, neither of them give a shit. Honestly, between the two couples, they’re clearly the favorite among the other crew members.) 

“I love you guys,” he blurts out one day. He and Pippa are tipsy from the champagne they’ve been drinking, and the box of chocolates they’ve been sharing is just starting to get to Boris and Kotku. They’re surrounded by wedding stuff, which is sort of incomprehensible to him seeing as the wedding will be, by necessity, small and simple, down in the rec hall. Yet there are outfits and flowers to pick, desert to request from the replicator team, rings to buy, vows to write...the list goes on and on. 

Theo doesn’t need any of it, not really. All he needs are the four other people in the room.

(Yes, including Kotku. Theo knows he and Kotku wouldn’t be close in any other world, but they love Pippa and Boris enough to make it work. They’ve even been making an effort to spend more time together one-on-one, which generally involves Theo teaching Kotku how to cheat at poker or Kotku teaching Theo about Vulcan culture. They’re family now, and that means something to both of them.)

Theo and Pippa haven’t said it out loud, yet, but Theo thinks that both Kotku and Boris know the other reason they want to get married. Vulcan isn’t a particularly welcoming planet to outsiders, and being married to a Vulcan is the only way to ensure that they’ll be able to make the planet their permanent residence, if they so choose. 

(They don’t want to leave Starfleet, at least not just yet, but it feels important to keep their options open. Theo likes the idea of having a “home planet” for once.)

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter where they live or if they do get married or not (though they definitely will be, because now Kitsey’s attached herself to the project); what matters is that, after all of these years adrift, both physically and emotionally, Theo is stable. He’s safe. He’s home. 

**Author's Note:**

> Vulcan to English translations:  
> t'hy'la: friend, brother, lover  
> ashayam: beloved  
> khaf t' t'nash-veh khaf-spol: blood of my heart  
> ron-tu: dog-like creature
> 
> Find me on tumblr at <https://sunshine394.tumblr.com/>!


End file.
